Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
