1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
