hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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