What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize
