the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
