i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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