I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
