dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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