At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
