I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
