it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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