Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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