he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
