My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
