after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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