Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
