Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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