Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
