i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wear drunk well.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
