Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
