it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
