Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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