Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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