I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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