She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
