You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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