i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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