I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
