Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.