fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.