He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
