i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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