you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
