It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
