We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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