Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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