The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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