my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
