all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
