I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
