You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
