it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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