WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
