shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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