i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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