You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
