Pregnant stripper...not hot.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
