i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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