i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
