Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
