The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
