So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
