How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
