the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
