When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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