Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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