pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
