i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So vagazzling was a success
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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