Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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