I need help removing her.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
