I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
